I smelled oil and blood. At once, the man tumbled down. His arms and legs bent in upon his body. He rolled over and began to go into a spasm of coughing, rocking from side to side, but the fire never released him from much pain. He stated to struggle more violently, and fell from the cliff at last. Following him, we went down the slope.…… I had been picturing the man’s death over and over again for five years now, ever since I had found out what had happened that summer. The man was gibbering as he tried to pull away from the blonde, who was holding down him with grief after thrusting a shovel into his shoulder. The man’s hair was wet and matted with petrol. His face was blistered and expanded. He opened his mouth, desperately moaning out. A commitment to murder is essentially an intellectual thing, so we refuse to take it sentimentally. For nearly two month the intent of kill had been source of my energy, but I felt as though the spectacle of it was eroding me from the bottom of body. I felt uneasy until the end.
I picked up the shovel, and listened closely to the murmuring of a rising tide around me. I found my body was shaking, as was my mind. He was dying. The blonde moved over to a rock and sat down. She was wet to the skin, breathing hard as though she had been swimming. I looked down at the shovel in my hand. Then I held it close to my eyes and examined it carefully. I could see my fingerprints all over it. I gathered a fistful of cloth from my thigh and tried to rub it off. But my hands didn’t stop to tremble. 「Take a breath. Take it deep」said the blonde, shaking her body and scattering the mingled petrol and blood everywhere. A beacon lamp had lighted through the body bold relief and it was the upper part of the body unlike any I had ever imagined. The direction of the beam of light exaggerated a burn of his head. Long after the beam had gone by, the view of its lighting remained inside me. It is a disagreeable thing, but when you are suffering a torment, and would give anything speed up time, it has a disobliging habit of slowing down. There was an anchored heaviness in my depth, and the sound of waves had persistently echoed with its motion. I bent forward, my head in my hands to keep my will to live from discouraging thoughts. 「You’ll be all right after some rest」she smiled. I tried to recall what I had been wishing about before I had killed.
Rinsed stains of a large city by the rainy season, the garden wore a gentle, fresh color, but there seemed to be rather more empty space there than usual. On the bench――located on a turf in the center of the garden with clear views ――I composed myself and spent a long time sweeping up the pieces of memory. Branches swayed in the occasional breeze. Operation of memory is strange thing. When I was in the situation I had it without concerns. I had never stopped to think of it as something that would have been lasting out oblivion, really never imagined that three month later I could go into very particulars. The memories weren’t disintegrated by sundries.
“Can you watch me now？” The live?chat lady was blonde who asked. She wore transparent lingerie to show off. This chat?lady was in a fairly small bed?room; most of the furniture had been pushed away to a corner of the room; leaving a space in the middle carpeted in chequer; colorful dresser, however, had been placed grandly, in front of the video?camera and covered with many bottles of cosmetic. Kesha ’s song was flowing. “I am cannibal〜♪”the chat?lady was singing. She was a good mimic. In the monitor, there was a pause in which the blonde watched for my word, but I was only laying myself down on a floor, and amusement at the look on her expression. “This big vibrator, is made in US”she began sales?talking eagerly. An angel was tattooed on her left thigh, and moreover a ring pierced the labium. Her arms were badly scarred from razor cut. She injured herself all over the body. I didn’t say anything about them. “Can you watch me now？”she repeated in wearisomeness, staring into the camera-eye on her personal?computer. I made some noise. The chat?lady looked a little shocked. “What’s up？” I didn’t answer. The blonde took a pack of Marlboro from her funky pocketbook, put one between her moist lips, lit it with a 100yen?lighter and began puffing away with obvious displeasure. At last, I switched on my video?camera. I looked up at the chat?lady, who stared back at me. “I remember you”her eyes opened wide in surprise. “Do you remember me？” “Yes. I ’ve well remembered”…… I heard somebody come into her bed?room a short while later, but did not ask about it. The blonde was staring at the shadow with detest.